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This Sucks Sauerkraut!
2004-03-15 - 8:00 p.m.
The most exciting thing that has taken place in my life lately is that my last entry was #69! Of course, besides myself, hissandtell was the first to notice it. Yeah, color me surprised! ha. Annnndddd for excitement I seriously thought about going back and erasing one of my more boring entries so I could hit #69 again, but then I�d want to do it again, and again, and again, YES! YES! YES!�. OK, I told �ya, my life�s been a bit boring lately. I don�t know what Dad�s been watching on TV lately, but with his Alzheimer�s he�s convinced this week that he has bought a boat. That thought could be a pleasant one, sailing on the ocean blue, smell of the salt water, waving to Pirate poolagirl as we drift by. But instead, Dad�s fantasy has taken him in a different direction. He�s convinced that he�s getting ready to sail to Vietnam. I�m not sure where that came from. He was never in Vietnam, but was in the Navy during the Korean War. He was 12, and living in Hawaii when they bombed Pearl Harbor. Last week I forgot to mention to (MOM-ON-ROOF) that I discovered what those little green pasties were for that they gave her during her Mammogram. They are �markers� for raised moles. How do I know? Yes, I had my Mammogram last week, but fortunately didn�t get (�MARTHA�) again. I tried pointing out to the woman that I have a couple of moles and should have some of those markers too. I really wanted them, as I hate being left out. She just insisted that I didn�t need them, as mine were flat. That was the first time anyone ever made reference to something being flat in MY breast area.ha Fortunately, this experience went much smoother than the last time. The Technician was much kinder and gentler. The only problem was�..everything had to be done twice, some shots THREE times as the film kept coming out too dark. Finally, when she was satisfied with the results of all of the shots, I decided I deserved a �Prize� for being so good. So YES, I reached over to the little box and took one of those little green markers and stuck it right in the middle of my forehead like a third eye. I wore it proudly for the rest of the day. On another topic�.This "rediscovering yourself" stuff really sucks sauerkraut. It�s been a year since Mom�s passing and I still feel as though I have moved no further in my progress. Well meaning friends suggest, �You need to find a boyfriend.� �You deserve to be in a relationship.� �You�d feel better if you had a little love, and some touchy-feely in your life.� After not dating for the last eight years, of course I long to have these things in my life too. There are times when hugging my old faithful teddy bear, or having my two Pugs curled up next to me at night just isn�t enough to fill the void. I desperately miss having someone to hold me, care about me, and tell me they find me attractive or even �sexy�. I miss human touch, human contact, human anything! These thoughts and feelings are normal. But, I also know all to well that there are also worse things than being alone. When I�m not feeling good about myself, I know that I have a tendency to �put up with� things from people that, when I�m in a stronger frame of mind, my pride, strength, and dignity would never allow. I�ve been in one short-term physically abusive relationship, and I�ll never allow it again. My Momma didn�t raise me to be no man�s punching bag! I don�t know how much longer it will take, but I still need this time to learn to love myself again, instead of the deep hatred and repulsion I feel each time I look at the reflection that stares back from the mirror. I�ll end this entry on a positive note. Here�s a little shopping tip for all you bargain hunters. You can get shoes for just 85 cents at the bowling alley.
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