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A SELFISH ENTRY
2008-06-06 - 8:35 p.m.
THIS ENTRY IS A SELFISH ONE, JUST FOR ME....A SORTING OF THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, A CLEANSING OF SORTS....... With Father�s Day coming soon, Dad is on my mind most of the time. 5 months, 5 years, sometimes it makes no difference. I lost Dad right before Christmas (a little over 5 months ago), and Mom on 03/03/03 (at the young age of 65). The thought of either one is still very painful, but for different reasons. Fortunately for me, in regards to Mom, after 15 years of being her care giver, of putting my own life on hold to give her all I had, I have peace of mind, I did my best, I have no regrets in this regard. But Dad, there is, and unfortunately always will be a lot of unfinished business.... a lot of should ofs, could ofs, and if onlys will always haunt me. You see, my Dad was a very quite, reserved man. I tried, but he would never let me in. I longed to know him better but I think it was beyond his capability to allow it. How sad to have spent 77 years on this earth, and yet, leave behind very few memories of your existence because you never took the time to open up and share part of yourself with others. But the biggest regret....... is that I never once got to hear him say, �I love you�. Even when I said it to him, all I ever got in return was a little crooked smile and an, �I know that.� The other regret is that I�m still so damn angry..... angry with the convalescent home they both were in at the end of their lives. Mom, only the last 2 week of her life, but Dad, the last 7 years of his life due to losing the use of his right side because of a stroke, and the Alzheimer�s, both of which made it impossible for me alone to care for him. In both instances, I made it very clear to the nurses that, at the very first sign of either of them looking as though they were ready to pass away, that I was to be alerted immediately so that I could be there to hold their hand, comfort them, let them know one last time how very much they were loved. BOTH times the nurses failed to do so. With Mom, the nurse who called had the nerve to say, �Well, you were just here 3 hours ago. I figured you had already said all you wanted to say or you wouldn�t have left.� With Dad, ....... I put him on hospice, thinking it would better my chances of it not happening again. I emphasized to them how important it was to me and how the convalescent center had dropped the ball with my Mom, and if they couldn�t guarantee it wouldn�t happen with Dad, then I saw no need to sign up with them. The woman swore she would do everything to assure that it wouldn�t happen this time. When the nurse called and told me Dad had passed, I asked her how long it had been obvious he was passing and her answer was, �Well, for the last couple hours he was laboring for breath so I knew it wouldn�t be long�. When I asked why I wasn�t called as I had requested, the answer I received was, �Well, nobody told me! Besides, you knew he was on hospice. Why weren�t you here?� I�m still trying hard to let go of this anger..... even when they just sent me a bill for the supposed �free services�.
I console myself with the belief that Dad showed his love instead of saying it out loud. He showed it in the way he was always faithful to my Mom, he always came straight home from work, instead of hanging out in a bar with the guys, he provided for us the best he could. All in all, he was a good Dad. I only wish I could have heard those 3 little words, just once.
0 GAVE ME A LITTLE RINGY DINGY
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