LADIES: Ever had a UTI??? No, it doesn�t stand for Under The Influence, though that would be a welcome feeling at this point. No, UTI-Urinary Tract Infection. One of these babies would be more effective as a form of torture than than bamboo under the fingernails. It feels like, welllll, It feels like:
I went to the doctor�s for it yesterday. I was sent to the restroom with the usual little lidded-plastic-cup known as a �specimen cup�. When I tried to open the door, clearly marked �unoccupied�, it wouldn�t open. I decided to try the push-handle-while-shoving-hard-with-shoulder method. When I did this, the door popped open. Standing there in front on me was a very tall, very red faced 40ish man with his own �specimen cup� in hand..... And no, his �specimen� was....... wellll........ let�s say it was not yellow. Ooooooohhhhhhhhh....... Of course, seeing him unexpectedly standing there scared me so bad that I almost deposited my �specimen� in my pants.
So, I step inside the restroom to do what I�m there to do, finish up, go to flush the toilet and........ it won�t flush. Instead it starts to overflow. Now, normally I wouldn�t panic too much about this but, because of the infection I took two of these before leaving the house:
If you are not familiar with Azo, it is w-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l! Although it will not cure a UTI, it will get rid of the pain. Buttt...... it also turns your urine bright tomato red/orange. And if the orange color gets on anything, it stains. So, I had no choice but to stop the lady who had been pounding on the door to get in while I was in there, tell her the toilet was out of order, and get the nurse to tell her about the bathroom. Before I could tell her about the Azo, she stepped into the bathroom, screamed, �Oh my God! What have you been eating??� I thought about telling her I had been on the new Atkins Tomato Diet for a week, but didn�t.
Of course, she didn�t wait long to tell the doctor that I had taken Azo before coming in and that it made it harder for her to test the �specimen�. And, of course, I was assigned a male doctor. He let me know he was not happy and asked, �What were you thinking taking Azo right before coming in here, knowing we would need a specimen?�
I told him that I had had a UTI in the past, I had no doubt this was one so I knew that the specimen was just a formality. This was met with, �So, you�re an expert on UTI�s? You know for SURE this is what you have?� I told him, �Actually, yes. If you�ve ever had one, you have no doubt that you have it again.� His reply, �Then Ms. QT, why don�t YOU describe it to ME, I, a mere DOCTOR, the symptoms you have that make you so positive you have a UTI.�
I gotta tell ya, it takes a lot to get me pissed (pun intended) but this did it! �Well�, I began, �Knowing you are a MALE Doctor, and have never experienced a UTI, I will explain it I terms YOU will understand. My stomach feels as sore as yours would if you had done a billion stomach crunches. I continuously feel like I need to pee as bad as you would after drinking a 12 pack of beer, and when I do pee, it feels like you would if you had to pass boiling hot tabasco sauce after shoving a cactus up your little wa-who! Any questions? Are you gonna tell me that if there was a pill available to stop this torturous pain that you wouldn�t take it immediately, well ARE you????�
He looked down, wrote out my prescription, and mumbled, �Sorry. Hope you�re feeling better soon Ms. QT� and slinked out of the room.
BTW: Remember the old Memorex commercial showing Ella Fitzgerald hitting a high note, so high that it breaks a glass? I now know how she hit that note. UTI! Time for another glass of Cranberry juice, Cheers!
