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I was 5 years old again
2004-05-14 - 12:14 a.m.
I mentioned to olive4ever today that I was having trouble finding the motivation to post to d-land anymore and that maybe I had gotten all that I should out of it and that perhaps it was time to move on. Wise Ms. Olive told me in essence that maybe I hadn�t, and that maybe it was time for me to do my posting more for sharing with others, than for myself. Well�..I�m not quite sure how to do that without it also being for me, but either way, it got me back here attempting another entry so�..this ones for you my Sweet Olive! Today I was 5 years old. No, really. For nearly an hour I reverted back in time. I was out-and-about taking care of some business and decided to stop off at a new Chinese restaurant and pick-up some stir-fried veggies to take home for me and the pups for dinner. I walked inside to order and the waiter, who spoke very little English, insisted I follow him. I kept trying to tell him I wanted it �to go� but he was totally oblivious to what I was saying. Finally he pointed to a table and said, �Please to sit here.� Once again I tried to tell him �TO GO�. He just looked at me and said, �No do go go here, you eat here, sit, enjoy! We do buffet, it very good, you like.� At this point I felt I was left with no choice. Yes, I should have just said no thank you and left, but I�m not good at that sort of thing. It�s something I need to work on. This is when I slowly began to go back in time. This was my first time in a �real� restaurant �alone�. Since Mom�s passing I�ve stopped off and picked things up, and even sat in a food court at the mall, but not in a real, honest to goodness, restaurant�ALONE. I felt as though all eyes were on me. I could swear I could hear their every thoughts. �Look at the Loser!��.�Poor thing, she can�t even get someone to eat with her.��.�You couldn�t pay ME enough to come in here by myself!��. Although I�m sure these were all imagined, it felt very real at the moment. I went on one of the longest walks of my life, although maybe 20 feet in reality, to get my plate and choose a few items. I can�t even tell you what all I chose as I just grabbed what was closest and kept my head down the entire time. I made my way back to the table and sat down. No longer 41, but now FIVE years old. You see�when I was little, I was PAINFULLY shy. On the rare occasion Mom and Dad could afford to take my Brother and I out to eat, I was always too scared to eat in the restaurant. Mom would inevitably have to get my food to go. I was convinced everyone was staring at me. Mom would beg and plead with me, �Pleasssseee Boo Baby, sit down and eat.� I was so shy that sometimes, I would crawl under the table until the rest of the family was ready to go. A couple of times Mom, being the Mom she was, would crawl under there with me which was no easy feat for her. Once, she even crawled under the table and brought both our plates with her. She and I ate our entire meal from under that table. Of course, if people hadn�t been staring at me before, they sure were by that time. Today, I sat at the seemingly HUGE table and longed to crawl under it. Not just because I didn�t want attention on me, but because in some small way, I hoped against hope that under that table, I�d find Mom waiting to have a picnic with me once again. I guess I just don�t do �alone� well yet.
0 GAVE ME A LITTLE RINGY DINGY
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