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Life's Biggest Hurtle (so far)
2004-02-29 - 12:36 p.m.
This may prove to be the most difficult week of my life. Well, I have to take that back. There was the week Mom had her massive stroke, the week of her passing, the week of her funeral�the stalking, Dad�s Alzheimer�s, the destruction of Mom�s car, almost losing the house�. on, and on, and on��.So, so many hurtles to leap�..but I�m still here fighting, kicking, and desperately clawing my way out of all this. There have been times I wanted to give up life completely. Times I wanted to bury my head, sleep for a thousand years, and wake up when it was all over. Times I didn�t even want to continue to �BE� any more. Yet, as I said, I�m still here. I don�t know why, but here I sit...waiting�hoping�.praying�wondering� Tomorrow, March 1st, will be my Father�s 74th Birthday. He doesn�t even realize it. I went to see him yesterday. My Brother and his brood were there also. I said hello to my Dad, but he just stared at me blankly. Not a word. Not a sound. I use to hug him and give him a kiss on the cheek, but the last few times; he pushed me away and started crying. So, now my selfish fears only allow for a �Hi, Dad!� in the most cheerful voice I can dig up from deep inside. When it was time to leave, I said my usual, �Bye Daddy. I love you! I�ll be back Monday.� He turned his head, looked at me as said, �Why, I won�t be here.� I asked him where he was going to be as he often says things like �Playing Golf�, �Baseball�, or wherever else he�s dream up from something he�s watched on TV. His reply this time, �I�ll be dead by then.� My Brother and I could do nothing but look dumbfounded, jaws dropped, eyes the size of saucers. There IS no good, or proper response to this statement. All I could think to say was, �Oh Dad, of course you�ll still be here. You�re not dying. I�ll see you Monday.� Then quickly run out of the room before he could say it again. I can�t help but wonder, even with Alzheimer�s, if he knows something we in the �Normal World� don�t. Wednesday, March 3rd, will be the day I�ve been dreading most. It will mark the 1-year passing of my Momma�.Still my heart, my life, and my world. I can�t find the words to express my feelings about THIS at this time. I�m not sure what all I�m feeling. I�ve been desperately trying to avoid feeling anything, but have been unsuccessful at it. I think I will close here, as at this time�..I am without words.
0 GAVE ME A LITTLE RINGY DINGY
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