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Rearing it's ugly head
2004-02-20 - 11:02 p.m.
I haven�t mentioned it, as I just wasn�t ready to share what has been taking place in my life right now. For the last two weeks, I have been sick. Not mentally, (Although there are days when I�m convinced I�m completely losing my marbles, and only hope that I find them all before the Pups swallow them, or I trip over one of my own thoughts.) but physically ill. It�s difficult to talk about as there are so many emotions tied to it. It�s been in remission for a few years now. I had thought it would not be rearing its ugly head again. Although it�s not definite yet, all signs are pointing to its return. It�s not just fear that it causes me to feel, but also vanity. Facts are facts. The first part of the treatment involves, as the Doctor refers to it, as �Mega Doses� of Steroids. Along with that, is �Mega Doses� of Cytoxin, a drug that has the same side effects as Chemotherapy. These are where the vanity comes in. The Steroids cause weight gain. Rapid weight gain. Before I ever started this drug the first time, I never had a weight problem. But since, it has been a constant endless battle to get the weight off and keep it off. To add to that, with the Cytoxin comes hair loss. I admit, I am very vein when it comes to my hair. I love having it long. It makes me feel feminine, sometimes attractive, and sometimes almost sexy. It IS me. The thought of losing it again, and gaining back what weight I have managed to lose, truly makes me sick. The first time it hit, I was engaged. Once the signs of the medications side effects started showing outwardly, HIS true colors started showing too. I remember his final comment as if it were yesterday. He said, �I�m sorry, but I can�t imagine spending the rest of my life with a woman who�s sick, but especially one who�s a big as a house. Can I have the ring back? Maybe it�s not too late to get a refund.� And here I am, still single, hoping to finally get back into the dating scene. Hoping to possibly meet someone kind and gentle to spend the rest of my life with, but knowing no man wants a woman like me. That�s a bitter pill to swallow. Sounds silly, but it�s times like now that living alone, and being alone, are the hardest. Although Mom's health wouldn't allow her to do much care-giving of me, on the rare occasion I was "down for the count", she was always there to ask how I felt, kiss my cheek, or just let me lay my head on her lap while she'd stroke my hair until I fell asleep. Human touch is one of the hardest things to live without. Not sexual (although that's nice too.) but more importantly, loving, caring, compassionate touches. The type that not only caress you body, but also your heart, soul, and spirit. I miss knowing someone actually gave a damn rather I felt well, or lived or died. Knowing someone cared enough to actually miss my presence if ever I were to seize to exist. It's times like this that I feel the most alone, and the most like an orphan. I know animals sense these things. As soon as I typed these words, in pops Sweet Pea to be hugged and loved. But, it's just not the same being a "Mom" to dogs, as it is having your own Momma around. Okay, enough of the gloom and doom. I will attempt to leave this entry on a high note. �hissandtell� suggested that I show just sections of myself at a time, like a sloooowww strip tease (As I�m not comfortable with the thought of posting my picture here. She also made a comment to me once that Butts make her laugh. Sooo�this one�s for you �hissandtell�. 
0 GAVE ME A LITTLE RINGY DINGY
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