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The Demons Within
2004-02-04 - 9:19 p.m.
This will not be one of my silly, funny or �warm fuzzy� entries. No Pugs, Penises, Rats, or Romeos. At times, I have been able to dig deep and find laughter in things, people, and/or circumstances surrounding me. This is not one of those times either. There is a war raging within me that I have not been able to express with any sense or eloquence to my words. It is an inner daily war, and unfortunately, at this point, I am the enemy. If this makes no sense, or is too difficult or depressing to read, than I say �So be it!� This entry is for ME, and my inner demons. The only way I can fight them, and stand a chance of winning, is to face them, head on. I realized yesterday that I have my own baggage to deal with, and it�s a heavy load. I do not have the strength to carry anyone else�s along on my trip to self-discovery. Although many others in my life seem to think I am a Porter. Yesterday marked 11 months since Mom�s passing. This is the day these demons chose to rear their ugly heads. Bringing to the surface, a day filled with doubts and questions. I was left alone, to ask myself: Did I do the right thing? Should I have done this or that? Why me? At times, wishing she were still here, but not knowing what I�d do if she were. Being forced to face the guilt of the many times, in anger, frustration, and the pure exhaustion that often comes with being the 24/7 caregiver of a loved one, crying out �Please God! Please! I can�t take this anymore. It�s her or me! Please! Just take one of us so this can all end!� Guilt that at times, though usually only for a fleeting moment, I honestly wished she were dead. Guilt that perhaps my own thoughts wished it upon her. Some days were harder than others. It is on these days that the minds evil thoughts and inner demons took over. For nearly 8 years, Mom was MY "war", what I lived for and fought for. Her Diabetes was the enemy. That was a war, that in many ways, I lost. Facing that is a very bitter pill to swallow. She counted on me to make it right, to fix it, to make it all better. But, I couldn�t. The battle scars that remain from this are deep. Some, I will have to live with the remainder of my life. It�s not easy to face and admit defeat. It was a day of reflection and regrets. It was a day that I forced myself to stay home, in seclusion. Knowing that in my then frame of mind, I would have been tempted to drive over the side of the nearest bridge, knowing full well that there was no one that would truly miss me or even realize I was gone. Yet, another bitter pill of reality. Valentine's Day coming soon, will mark the 1-year date of me signing the papers to end her Dialysis. Unfortunately, this too will be another day of reflection and doubts. Hopefully, I will be able to handle it better than yesterday. Especially knowing that in just another 17 days from that, March 3, 2004, will mark the one-year Anniversary of her death. If I can make it past these next two dates, I will feel that I have made at least a large step toward conquering my inner demons, and am well on the road to rediscovering who I am. If my ramblings and rantings have not driven you off, and you have managed to read this far, I ask but one thing of you dear reader. Please, keep me in your prayers.
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