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Another Calgon Moment
2004-01-29 - 10:30 a.m.
Each week, whenever I sold on of my handmade pairs of earrings, or one of my chocolate lollipops, I sat aside a small amount of money just for fun, just for me. Just as a little reward for surviving. When my stash reached $50, I decided that I would use it to buy myself a special b-day present. After all, who knows my taste better than me??? After a couple of weeks of searching the stores, and the web, for just that right something, I finally found what I wanted. I ordered it from the Wally World Website. AND, as luck would have it, it was on CLEARANCE!!!! For a mere $42, I was sure I had found pure Heaven in a box. The package arrived yesterday. I was so excited that I couldn�t wait to rip it open, read the directions, and put it to use. It was a �Conair Thermal Spa Bath Mat!� Yes ladies, magic fingers in a box. I thought back to the episode on �Home Improvements� when Tim decides to install a Jacuzzi for his wife, Jill. After installing, he tells her it has 3 settings, Low, Medium, and �Who needs a Man!� Last night, I prepared myself for what I was sure would be the ultimate Calgon moment. I plugged in the electric blanket, so the couch would be comfy warm after my bath. I pulled my long blond tresses into a sophisticated little topknot. I even broke down, and opened myself a wine cooler. The directions said that you could add bath salts, or even bath oil, without harm to the machine. Being a fru-fru-frilly-girlie-girl type, I opted for a tub full of bubbles. I laid my new machine in place, added my bubbles, and filled the tub with warm water. I proceeded to turn on some soft music, light my candles around the tub, open my wine cooler, turn off the lights, and climb in. I leaned back in the tub, and reached out to the motor, and turned on the machine. This thing was louder than a fat mans stomach after a 2 week fast. It sounded like a Hoover Vacuum Cleaner, which is essentially what it was, except that it blows instead of sucks (Don�t go there!) Once I adjusted to the noise, I thought, �Okay, maybe I can learn to live with this.� I decided to close my eyes, layback, and relax. Soon, I noticed the bubbles were growing and growing. Before I could turn the sucker off, the bubbles began to grow even more! They were alive! They were the Bubbles that ate the Blond!!!! They began to flow over the sides. The dogs ran out of the bathroom looking for shelter, not bothering to look back to see if I was alright, before I could find the switch and shut it off, they were all over the bathroom floor and moving swiftly in the direction of the hallway. It was as if they had become an entity of their own. Finally, I found the switch and shut the machine off. Not one to admit defeat, I drained the tub of its bubbles, mopped up the floor, and refilled the tub again. This time, minus the bubbles. I lay back AGAIN, took a sip of my peach wine cooler, allowed the warmth of the water to relax and envelop me. I reached out, and turned on the machine. This time, I went straight for the high setting. Relaxing?????? Let�s just say I�d equate it with sharing the bathtub with 30 midgets (sorry, little people) who have eaten nothing but chili beans for 3 days, minus the smell. The water sprayed and gurgled high above my knees, as my butt began to vibrate. Hell bent on getting my money�s worth, I STAYED in that tub. I tried to take a sip of my wine cooler, but the vibrations were so strong, that it just dribbled down my chest. After a few minutes, my butt started to really get into it, but the rest of me decided that we�re taking it back to Wally World and buying something more sensible. Like a pair of earrings.
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