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Christmas Tears
2003-12-27 - 8:51 p.m.
If wondering about my Christmas, I�ll do my best to capsulate it, or with my family, I should say put it in a �NUT-Shell�. Went to small gathering at a friend�s house few days before Christmas. I knew most of the people there. Someone asked some questions about Mom, and I burst into tears. Not whaling buckets, or loud sobs, just a few trickles of tears. I didn�t want to, nor plan to, it just happened. The �friend� who had the party, pulled me aside and said I needed to pull myself together as I was bringing her party down. And that if I couldn�t, she�d be glad to make me a plate, and I could take it home. I should mention that I made most of the food at her party for her, as she didn�t have �TIME� herself, and since I�m always home, yada, yada, yada�..I'm just a girl who can�t say no. So�I didn�t take a plate of my own food, but slipped out the door quietly and came home. The next night, my Brother said, �You can come up here for dinner if you want. It�s a long drive, but we can make room at the table. Just try to not cry, as it would upset the kids and ruin their Christmas.� Needless to say, I decided to not attend. Two days before Christmas, they had a Christmas lunch at the Convalescent Home where Dad�s at. They called a few moments before leaving, and said, �We just want to ask you to do your best to not cry, as it upsets the residents.� I should also mention here, and I�m not trying to be cruel, but many of these residents have Alzheimer�s like my Dad, and often cry out or whale like a Banshee at the drop of a hat. I seriously think that a couple tears rolling down my face wasn't going to upset them. I don�t plan to cry, but when I see the distant look and lack of recognition in my Dad�s eyes, or have to pass the room where my Mother took her last breath at that same Conv. Home, I�m sorry, but I cry. My dear friend, olive4ever, and her dear husband, invited me to dinner at their house, as they said they were having a few homeless and wayward friends over for Christmas. I was so afraid of ruining yet another party, that I declined the invitation. I just didn�t want to do that to anyone on what should be a joyous and festive occasion. So�.now that the Nutshell is HUGE, I tell you what this Acorn did for Christmas. It was pouring down rain most of the day. Me, and my two Pups sat outside in the backyard in the rain (them under a tree), and I cried my heart out, yelled at God for taking Mom, yelled at Mom for leaving me here alone instead of taking me with her, yelled at my friend who made me feel unwelcome, yelled at my Brother for being a total Ass, and yelled at my Dad for not letting me into his heart when he could of, and for it now being too late. Yes, I guess you could say I lost it. But, I�m back, and I think the crying (and yes, WHALING!) was good for me. It is what I needed to do, and it was cleansing for me. In case you�re really wondering about me, I should mention that I found out today what else was contributing to the emotions. My cycle is completely screwed up because of stress. I�ve gone 3 months without a cycle (Know I should go to the Dr. but, 1. I don�t miss the cycles, and 2. I�ve already had two D&Cs in the last two years and am not in a hurry for another one.) Well, this morning a dozy of a cycle started. So I have one word (so to speak) PMS!!!!!
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