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Holiday Go-Blutz
2003-11-21 - 8:52 p.m.
These Holiday-Blues, Go-Blutz, Severe Mood Swings thing has got to stop soon. I feel as though I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and am just not strong enough to carrying it around alone much longer. I'm sure this too shall pass, I just don't know when. I've tried turning to baking, as that is an art form I dearly love. Although the recipients seem to enjoy it, it is still very difficult to do. There are so many memories attached to cooking and baking. Mom and I spent so many hours preparing for all the holidays, not to mention the catering we did for a while. Mom always insisted we have at least one favorite dish of each person at the table. This grew increasing difficult (but a joy at the same time.) when my Brother was taking care of various Foster Children, as many as 3 at a time, plus his then wife's 3 kids, making for a total of twelve people around our little kitchen table (I always had at least one friend come too!) The poor little table moaned from the weight of all the love placed on it. It was not unusual for us to spend 3 days and nights cooking non-stop just so Mom could set the kind of table that made her happy. Even though I have completely re-done the kitchen to reflect my own personality, it still screams Mom. Guess that's because I did it all in red, black and white, and Mom and I both shared a love of the colors red and black. Sure it's all different, but in many ways, it's still the same. The red wallpaper is not the same pattern I grew up knowing, but it's still red wallpaper. And even though the floor, formerly a tile that looked like red brick, is now black and white check, it is still a country style kitchen. I thought by painting the cupboards red and hand painting on a huge cow on one, nesting chickens on another, a human size sunflower (with a face) on the back door, etc.... that it would say "Me", but..... I still feel her presence in there. I can still hear her fusing at me, "You're suppose to measure, not just pour it in your hand and guess." "Use the measuring spoons, or it will never come out right." "How'd you get this to come out so good, you didn't even measure right?" She loved to be "large and in charge." I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't even know what I'll do on Thanksgiving. I did receive one invitation today to join someone for dinner, but the way it was phrased.... "Why don't you come eat with us instead of sitting home feeling sorry for yourself? We can make room for one more, especially if you bring a couple of homemade Pecan Pies!" I don't know why, but I bold-faced lied and said I already had plans. I guess I don't want to be invited by someone who is doing it because they feel sorry for me, but by someone who truly enjoys my company and wants me to share their holiday with them just because I'm me. It's feels kinda like a "pitty date" situation. I'd rather sit home and eat pizza with the dogs than go to a "pitty dinner" I know it's silly, but.... Friends have told me things like, "You've got to move on with your life, you've got to let it go, she's gone, face it." Easier said than done. Well, enough of my whining. On a more positive note: I made a few things and took them to my friend's beauty shop. She lets me sit out some of my home made craft items for her customers to buy. I took over 24 things yesterday around 3:00 pm. She called me today at 11:00 and wanted to know if I could bring some more over, as more of her customers wanted some. Unfortunately, I didn't have any ready and won't until Monday. She decided on her own to have them put orders down on a sign up list. She's so sweet, funny and such a dear friend. She called this evening and said she has orders for 72 more. Didn't have the heart to tell her that is a heck of a lot of orders, and judging by the response, I can tell that I severly under priced them. I had planned on bringing in the ones on Monday with a dollar extra added to their prices. Oh well.... too funny. At least I won't have time to sit around and feel sorry for myself this weekend. I know I won't want to see another pair of snowman earrings for the rest of my life. ha!
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