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Fear the Future
2003-09-23 - 11:49 p.m.
I have to stop allowing myself to become overwhelmed with life in general. To look forward, not back. My problem is, I want everything yesterday. Is it too much to ask to have a house that is in order and worthy of living in? To want to have a husband to grow old with? To have a LIFE? I joking tell my friends, "I've gotta get a life. Next time your in Walmart, if you see them on sale, pick me up a couple of them." Not even my friends realize that the jokes are just a mask to hide my fears, frustrations, and tears. Facing the future alone scares me. Some days, I just want to curl up and die. I long to know what my purpose is for being. Why did God put me here? If I were to leave this Earth, would anyone notice? Would anyone care? I have my doubts. Does anyone realize the depths of my darkside? Not dark as in evil, but as in deep depression that is becoming harder to mask. Why am I here? Why am I alive? What kind of life is this? Or is this just some awful joke, or nightmare that I will soon wake up from? God, please help me to find my way.
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